An Epstein's Relationship Guide
If you love tools then you’ve probably had a fight with your spouse about how much money you spend on them. We here at Epstein’s are well aware of this problem and want to help with any domestic issues that we may cause. That is why we are starting a relationship counseling seminar just for today, to get couples to put down the broken bottles and pick up their loved ones belongings that they’ve drunkenly thrown all over the lawn. So you spent $250 on a really nice professional level set, or blew $500 on sockets, ratchets and wrenches. It’s not the end of the world. Let me walk you through three easy steps to insure you get to snuggle your loved one late into the afternoon on a Sunday and not end up in some weird motel off the highway looking up at the brown spots in the drop ceiling.
Ok. The first step is to realize that they are not mad about you spending a bunch of money on tools. They are mad that you didn’t spend any money on them. I would suggest that with each large tool purchase, you also buy them a little something. Some nice perfume perhaps. A lovely bouquet of flowers. Maybe they prefer a ten foot taxidermy Marlin. I don’t know. I don’t know what kind of relationship you’re in, so I’m just throwing out suggestions here. It’s up to you to know what they like, but get them SOMETHING.
Step two. Request some Epstein’s box art. As you can see from the above picture, we draw/paint/write anything you want on our boxes. If your wife likes puppies, we’ll draw puppies. If your boyfriend likes Lamborghini’s, then you should probably get a new boyfriend. C’mon. What is he 12? No, we’ll draw Lamborghini’s. Lamborghini’s are cool. We’ll draw ANYTHING, and IT’S FREE! That $300 tool purchase won’t look so bad when it comes in a beautifully decorated box covered in drunk penguins or maybe a more classical Greek motif. Again, I don’t know the person you’ve decided to let into your life. You’ve been with them awhile now, so you should probably have a sense of what kind of things they’re into. If you have no idea what they might like on their Epstein’s box, then you should probably break up. I’m just saying.
Step three. There is no step three! Ideas always sound better if there are three steps involved, and I figured I would come up with something as I was writing but that didn’t really happen so……..Let’s review. Buy your tools at Epstein’s. Make sure you get something for that special person in your life. Request some Epstein’s box art. Present it to them as if it’s a gift for them. Possibly promise some house project that could go along with the tools like, “I know it sounds like a lot of money, but now we can finally finish that upstairs bathroom.” However you decide to do it, hopefully this guide will help pave over those little bumps in your relationship. I am now open to questions.